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People discuss brutally honest reasons why so many Boomer grandparents seem to be hands-off

"They were also pretty hands off as parents, too."

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People offer their theories on why Boomer grandparents are more absent.

Boomer grandparents have recently come under fire by their Millennial children for how they grandparent. Many Millennials have opened up online about their parents' less-than-stellar help with grandkids and their overall absence.

In a Reddit forum discussing the differences between generations, user @No_Language_423 posed the question: "Why are so many Boomer grandparents hands-off?" They went on to add, "Genuinely curious about this. Why is it that so many Boomer grandparents seem completely uninterested in being involved or helping out with their grandkids in a real, consistent way?"

In a further explanation, they added, "From what I’ve seen and heard, a lot of Boomers actually did have active, supportive parents when they were raising their own kids. Their moms would babysit, cook, or even move nearby to help out. But now, when Millennials become parents and hope for that same kind of support, it’s like even asking is seen as too much. Some even act insulted by the idea."

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However, they also noted this description of Boomer grandparents can't be generalized. They added, "Of course, there are outliers. I’m not talking about the people who comment, 'Well I help my kids all the time.' That’s great, but I’m noticing a pattern, not isolated cases. There seems to be a broader generational vibe around this. It doesn’t feel like a case-by-case thing, it feels like a shift in attitude."

They ended their post with more pondering thoughts. "At the same time, I hear a lot of Millennial parents saying they already plan to be very involved grandparents someday. So what changed? Is it a cultural shift? A difference in how retirement is viewed? Or maybe Boomers didn’t get as much help as we assume? Curious to hear what others think, especially from people who’ve experienced this dynamic firsthand."

Many people chimed in with their thoughts and firsthand experience as to why Boomer grandparents seem to be hands-off. These are 15 of the most compelling responses.

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"The parents of boomers didn’t call their kids boomers; they called them the ME generation. Because it was all about them. They’re the ME generation." —@BEniceBAGECKA

"They were also pretty hands off as parents, too."—@ azulsonador0309

"Their moms were 23 when they had kids. Their kids were 23 when they had kids. Grandma was 46. Today’s grandmas are in their sixties. They have a hard time getting through the day without their own naps." —@Ok_Membership7264

"My theory is that it's related to people having kids later in life. The grandparents are older on average." —@nineoctopii

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"It's because they had children because 'that's what's done,' not because they actually wanted them. Now that they're 'free,' they aren't going to give that up for anything. Notice how they are also distant with their own kids. It's not like they're interested in their kids, but not the grandkids. They want nothing to do with any of it." —@ExcellentCold7354

"I'm 56. Most 56 year olds these days still have full time jobs and other responsibilities to where babysitting and moving are not viable options." —@shammy_dammy

"Have you met Gen X? They were feral kids for a reason. The boomers could barely be bothered to raise their own children. They certainly aren't going to be stepping up for the grandkids." —@gwenkane404

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"Millennials have also changed. Every time I offer to help, I get a scroll of instructions, gluten-free snacks, feelings charts, and nap negotiations that last longer than peace talks. Any small deviation is treated like trauma. It’s exhausting." —@Revolutionary-Buy655

"I'm a millennial with Boomer parents. My parents were pretty hands off when I was a child, so it's not surprising they were hands-off with their grandchildren. My parents dropped me off with my grandparents for weekends so frequently that I had my own bedroom there. I plan to be an involved grandparent because I value the relationship I had with my own grandparents so much. I feel sorry for the Boomers. They don't realize how much they are missing out on by focusing on themselves." —@CandidateNo2731

"They were sold the idea of retirement their entire lives. And now they feel entitled to that instead of adjusting with the times. They’re loss, historically." —@rollbackprices

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"I think part of the answer is because a lot of them didn’t really want to have kids in the first place. But back then it’s just what you did. You got married at 20 and started popping out babies shortly after. If you didn’t, you were an abomination to the family." —@Screamcheese99

"We are older than the previous generation's grandparents. Believe it. Being 60+ and trying to care for toddlers is hard! Also, despite our experience and knowledge, we are often given ridiculous instructions and rules to follow by our own children, along with lists of likes/dislikes to adhere to. They expect entertainment in ways we are just not able to provide. Personal example from my attempt at babysitting my grandchild: I literally have not moved the car seat, that she installed, even an inch, but my DIL huffs, sighs, makes comments when getting her out of it. I am nice enough to drive her to her job to shorten their commute home, but I even do that wrong. So, forget it. I tried." —@TXteachr2018

"I think its because we live so far away from each other." —@Apprehensive_Pie_105

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"Hmm. I feel like the sense of community is gone. Starting with the Boomers in my family they emigrated to the US and scattered away from each other. States away from each other they had no support system and worked themselves ragged. There wasn’t really a village to help raise a child. Now that they are retired it’s like having a second chance at life and they don’t want to spend it watching kids. They want to pursue their hobbies and relax which I honestly don’t blame them." —@KorraNHaru

"Many Boomers (not all! so don't come for me lol) have deep, untreated trauma and mental health issues. Many are even very detached from their own existences at this point. Narcissistic traits are common among them, which is based in deep self-loathing. I think deep down a lot of them feel ashamed of how they raised their kids and don't want to mess up their grandkids as well." —@Arysta

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Family

Mom admits she isn't perfect in a hilarious self-made 'back-to-school’ sign

She was exhausted before the first bell rang.

via Pexels

First day of school can be exhausting … but for who?

It’s back-to-school time, and that means new school supplies, a trip to Target for clothes, and social media channels flooded with photos of kids holding chalkboards. Over the past decade, back-to-school photos with kids standing on their doorsteps with signs with their name, grade, year, and teacher have been ubiquitous on social media.

There’s nothing wrong with the photos, they’re a cute way for parents and kids to mark the passage of time. For most parents, it’s a way to remember that it all goes by way too fast. However, for the “perfect” parents out there who like to flaunt their Instagrammable lifestyle, they’re another way to show off their “flawless” first days on social media.

In an attempt to show parents they don't have to fall for the myth of perfection on social media, Jeni Bukolt—a mother of two boys age 8 and 12 from Waxhaw, North Carolina—posted a first-day photo of herself looking burnt out and wearing sunglasses. School hadn’t even begun yet.

"Mom's first day of school,” the handmade sign read. "I am 42 years tired. I'll probably miss a school 'theme' day. I really like sleep. Please don't ask me to volunteer. But I will buy you supplies."



"I make signs for my kids each year but lately I've thought about how I always feel behind, as though I'm failing (in some way)," Bukolt told Today. Clearly, other parents feel the same because it was a hit with a lot of them on Instagram.

A lot of comments were from parents who thought the photo was a breath of fresh air during a stressful time of year. "Brilliant, you speak for millions!" cathycole wrote. "May we all survive the drop off/pick up lane," merakifitnessandpole added.

"I thought maybe if I can create a lighthearted moment, some other moms will laugh and understand we're all in this kind of struggle together. Like, let's have empathy for each other," Bukolt told Good Morning America.

Bukolt hopes her post builds an “empathy bridge” between parents. She’d also like to shine a little reality on the parents who feel judged on social media.

"I also feel like when you look at social media, there's all these, [picture perfect] worlds,” she added. “It's not the true story. And some people think like, 'Oh, they have it better or they're perfect,' and this is an opportunity to say no, we're all real human beings ... we're all in the struggle together."

But of course, there were some humorless parents who thought her post wasn’t supportive of teachers or her two sons. So Bukolt made a follow-up where she explained that she was just having fun.

“For the keyboard warriors… yes I do have a job, yes I love my kids and no, I don’t hate teachers. Back to work. Have a great day!” she wrote.


The next year, Bukolt returned with another sign where she said she's "43 years tired," has a "new sleep routine," and please don't ask her to do any math. "Liam asked me about division last night. I know that common core math should be easier, but apparently I am NOT smarter than a 4th grader," she joked in the comments.



Parenting is hard and we all fall short of glory at times. Kudos to Bukolt for making us feel a little less alone and letting us know that some folks have already accepted their imperfections on the first day.

"If other moms can get a good laugh about it, then that makes my heart happy," she said.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Modern Families

Grandma explains why 'little secrets' between kids and grandparents aren't cute

"Don't tell mommy," sounds harmless. It's not.

Canva Photos

A grandma says grandparents should never say "Don't tell mommy"

Conflict between parents and grandparents seems to be at an all-time high. There's always been friction there due to different parenting styles and generational points of view. But lately, our culture is changing so fast that the divide seems greater than ever. Parents gripe that grandparents aren't doing enough babysitting, while the grandparents are still working and struggling to make ends meet. Grandparents don't like how much screentime their grandchildren are getting while parents are completely overwhelmed and just treading water most days.

One big source of conflict is whether grandparents are willing to respect and follow rules that parents have established, even if they might not agree with them. For example, most parents want grandma and grandpa to mind their kids' bedtime if they're babysitting or not go overboard with sugary treats. It's very easy for a grandparent to bend these rules with three simple words: "Don't tell Mommy!"

One grandma has sparked a fierce debate with her strong opinion on the matter: Little secrets between kids and grandparents aren't cute, they're dangerous.

grandparents, grandma, grandpa, parenting, kids, family, dads, moms, fatherhood, motherhood, teens, parenting tips, grandparenting tips"If you can't do it openly, don't do it." Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

Dee Dee More offers advice and tips for new grandparents who want to excel in their role and, as she puts it, "be more than grand." In one recent video, she explained why "Don't tell Mommy" is something grandparents should never find themselves saying.

“Don’t be the grandparent who teaches your grandchild their first lesson in deception,” she says. “Let me be clear: asking grandchildren to keep secrets from their parents crosses a line that should never be crossed.”

“Picture this: you give your grandchild an extra cookie and say ‘Don’t tell mommy!’ Seems harmless, doesn’t it? It’s not,” she goes on. “‘Don’t tell Mommy’ is literally asking a child to lie to their parents. Children need to know that they can tell their parents anything, and you’ve just taught them the opposite. You’re also undermining the parent child relationship. A child’s safety can depend on open communication with their parents. Encouraging secret-keeping is exactly how predators operate; you don’t want to normalize that."

To be clear, she's not saying that asking a child to keep secrets about extra dessert from their parents is predator-like behavior. But parents work extremely hard to make sure their kids feel safe to tell them anything, anything. We want them to feel like they can tell us if someone hurts them, or to know they can call us one day when they've had too much to drink instead of getting in the car.

This small gesture, though relatively well-intentioned, can undermine that process.

“The key is simple: respect parents’ rules. If you can’t do something openly, don’t do it at all. Your relationship with your grandchild should strengthen their family bonds, not weaken them."

@morethangrand

That 'harmless' request to keep a secret? It's not harmless at all. Here's what every grandparent needs to understand about why secrets from parents are never okay. Teaching children that they should keep secrets from their parents: 🔴Undermines trust between parent and child 🟢Creates confusion about honesty 🔵Mirrors predatory behavior patterns 🔴Weakens family communication Instead of secret-keeping, try transparent communication with the parents about boundaries and special treats. Remember: If you can't do it openly, don't do it at all. For more ways to create healthy connection with your grandchild, sign up for our weekly emails from the link on my page! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

Parents and grandparents alike chimed in to hard-agree with More's sentiment. Her words clearly seemed to strike a nerve with people on both sides of the parent-grandparent relationship.

The video was viewed over 30 thousand times on TikTok. Here are a few of the best comments:

"Granny here. Thank you for this. Safe adults do NOT ask children to keep secrets."

"I'm glad this is being talked about. I think people generally have good hearts, but they need to realize how damaging this is."

"And a grandparent who has an issue with this or says that the parent is being ridiculous, they are not safe people!!!"

"If you can’t do something openly don’t do it at all"

"you also make them believe the parent are going to be furious with the kid instead of the grandparent for something the grandparent did"

"My inlaws told my child not to tell me that they drove him without a carseat (in the front seat no less) and as a result have not been left alone with any of my kids since. It is unsafe for the child, and also for your relationship with your adult child."

More's video also raised bigger questions about how families should handle secrets and "lies of omission."


@morethangrand

With Easter coming up, grandparents may need a reminder that filling an Easter basket is not their job. Parents get to do all the fun firsts with their children--just as you did. Do they want your help? Maybe! So ask them! Don't just show up with an Easter basket, and claim the Easter bunny dropped it off at your house. What do you think? Should grandparents get to have the fun of the "firsts" with their grandchildren? #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

Several commenters chimed in that they teach their kids about "fun secrets" or "surprises" and how those are different than bad secrets. For example, we're not going to tell Mommy what we got her for her birthday. That's a fun secret, or a surprise. The key element of a surprise is that it's not meant to stay hidden forever; it's meant to be shared when the time is right.

Hiding something because we're afraid of the repercussions is very different.

And, by the way, it's not just grandparents who do this. Even parents themselves do it. Dads let the kids watch an R-rated movie and say "Don't tell Mommy." Mom lets the kids off the hook for an agreed-upon consequence and winks, "Don't tell Daddy." It undermines trust and safety no matter what adult is doing it.

There are gray areas, though, and it's not always clear cut. Part of helping your kid learn to trust that they can tell you anything is letting them know that you won't go and blab about it. It's not so much about secrets, or surprises, but everyone's right to privacy—even children. If my daughter wants to keep puberty-related conversations between her and her mom, she has that right, and I trust both of them to let me know what I need to know.

It's complicated, and it's easy to overthink every little thing.

"The key is to stay in the area between over-thinking and being thoughtless," More explained. "Thinking before we do something is usually the best way to go!"

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Modern Families

Husband who lost his job reluctantly moves family in with mother-in-law. Pure joy ensued.

Families moving in together isn't failure. Sometimes it's their greatest success.

Image via Canva

Katie Bunton shares her family's journey with multigenerational living.

Multigenerational living is not as common in our independent, self-sufficient American culture–but Instagrammer Katie Bunton (@ktbunton) is hoping her experience will open more people's minds to it. Bunton, her husband Harry and their twin boys recently moved in with their mother-in-law Louella Beale (@nana_lulu_love) after experiencing financial hardship, and opened up about the experience with her followers.

"We moved in with my MIL (mother-in-law) 2 months ago when my husband lost his job and I just keep thinking...it must have taken a lot of propaganda to make us believe this was failure," she writes in the video's caption.

In the inspiring video, Bunton showed her viewers some of the incredible benefits they've had with the extra support of Nana Lulu. From making and eating meals together to time spent in the garden and doing other menial daily tasks, she shows that life has truly improved–even though society may look at their living situation differently. "So you’re telling me, this isn’t how it was supposed to be all along ? #multigenerationalliving with @nana_lulu_love 🫶🏽," she captioned the video.

And viewers are showing their support. "I wholeheartedly believe that we’re supposed to be living with family❤️," one wrote. Another added, "It’s the best. My grandmother and mother live with us. I could never asked for a better support system. I would never ever live without multiple generations in the same house or compound." And another shared, "This has forever been my dream 😢 I’m with you, we’ve been lied to in the west. Intergenerational living is beautiful and to me the gold standard for living in harmony and raising children well ❤️."

And Nana Lulu herself commented, "🥹🥹😭😍😍 I’m such a lucky lucky so and so. 🙏🏽Thank you 🙏🏽 thank you 🙏🏽 thank you 🙏🏽 for the beautiful blessings of family love. 💛💛💛💛"

In another video, Bunton shared a vlog with her followers showing more about living with her MIL and the benefits of living multigenerationally. "You’re telling me we could have both parents present and hands on, all we have to do is just lower our cost of living? spend less money? And pool our resources with family? 🤯" she wrote.

In the video, she explains that her family moved in with Nana Lulu at the end of January 2025. "It's taken us quite a while to get into the swing of things. We moved into a new town as well," she adds.

Their routine has completely changed, but in a good way. And she has noticed positive changes in her relationship. "My husband has felt happier, lighter and more himself than I have ever seen him," she says.

The second video also got tons of positive comments from viewers who are loving their new living situation. "This is my definition of rich ❤️," one wrote. Another added, "As someone that doesn’t have a MIL to fall back on, I just want you to know that I’m so happy you have that. So happy you know the peace that extended family can bring and that you/your husband have the support you need to get to the next stage 🫶🏼💕." And another shared, "My husband and I live with my parents. They built us a basement apartment and I am forever grateful to them not only for that but for the bond it has allowed them to have with my kiddos ❤️ I definitely get caught up thinking we’ve done something wrong but we’ve just done what we can with the cards we are dealt. I am so grateful for my village."

This article originally appeared in March

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